Perfecting the art of thrifting is not for the faint of heart. Seasoned veterans know to walk into each store prepared to battle the tackiest of cast-offs, pit-stains galore and enough polyester to outfit the entire state of Texas.

The key to thrifting stardom lies in the ability to think outside the box. See a cringe-worthy piece that happens to have great fabric? What are you standing there for! Buy it! You may just be a few simple snips away from the best thing that ever happened to your wardrobe.

It’s possible that you’re flipping through today’s photos thinking to yourself, “This is just like all those stupid DIY projects I pinned and then forgot about. Who even sews anymore? Did this Garbage Lady escape the Amish? Was she on one of those TLC shows? I thought she looked familiar…”

Fear not. I grew up with electricity and have about as much of a knack for sewing as Spongebob Squarepants has for driving. Turning a pair of shorts so high-waisted they could double as a bra into a simple top is not rocket science. All I had to do was cut off the bottoms of the shorts until the crotch was no longer existent, turn the new tube-top inside out and hem it. If you don’t have a sewing machine, a needle and thread will do the trick. Or if you’re Homer Simpson level lazy, just forgo the hemming altogether! Unfinished edges are cool and nonchalant now!

Here’s what it costs to be the life of your July Fourth bash:

Pants: Michael Kors. 50 cents

Shorts post-surgery: $1.50. plus a few cents for thread I suppose.

Shoes: Ferragamo. $2.00

Scarf: 50 cents

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